


Still?

by bloodsuitsandtears



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), London Spy
Genre: Fix-It, kind of 00qad, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:00:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25485889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodsuitsandtears/pseuds/bloodsuitsandtears
Summary: inspired bythis idea by kimmycupChapter 1 - how Danny Holt became Q
Relationships: Danny Holt/Alex Turner
Comments: 42
Kudos: 24





	1. The energy of hopes and ambitions

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Christine for beta reading  
>  Thanks to  NonnieMouse  
> and NothingToSay for their feedback and talking over ideas with me  
> and last but not least huge a huge thank you to Arya for letting me use bits of her writing <3

Danny had lost hope for a long time. His life was too frazzled in every corner. Alex was gone. And Scottie. He had inherited Scottie’s house and even lived in it for a little while. But it was too much. Too much space. Too lonely. Too many memories.  
  
It just wasn’t his.  
  
Did he ever have anything that was truly his?  
  
He started working in a warehouse again. A different one, to escape the prying eyes and the memories. He had to earn money somehow and that was realistically the only job he could get at this point. He wouldn’t want to work in a café or anything, he wanted to be away from people and not trying to pretend to be happy and smile-y. Sara and Pavel urged him to move back in with them, but Danny was revelling in his sadness, his loneliness.  
  
Drugs became tempting again. Just to forget and not feel so much.  
  
Danny knew he couldn’t, he wouldn’t go back to drugs. He had to focus.  
  
Those much too short eight months showed him that there was more to life, things to see, places to explore, maybe even a chance of some kind of happiness again. He would go on long walks around the city, he’d sit down somewhere and get his notebook out to write or scribble away. More and more numbers found their way into his notes, patterns, geometry.  
  
Focus.  
  
He started looking into university courses. He had gained the confidence that he was intelligent, just maybe not in the most conventional way. Education would be his way forward. He looked into fees and even talked to the advisor from his old youth group home. Then Danny eventually reached out to Alex’s old teacher, who they had consulted about the program back when… you know.  
  
She was still at the university but teaching less and less.  
  
Danny explained to her that he only wanted to try to understand Alex’s work but not necessarily be able to do it himself. He was never really good at maths or school in general. He would focus on an English or a writing course and look into the rest on the side. Well.  
  
She recommended a course to start with, a fairly basic one. Danny didn’t even own a laptop for a time, so he’d spend most of his time on campus using the computers there. The other courses, which were initially supposed to be his focus, were easily forgotten.  
  
He would either be at uni or at work, for months. When he had found a routine between the two and realised his income was stable and steady, he had been able to move a little closer into the city again. He half-sold and half-donated Scottie’s house to the youth home. That was also the time he started volunteering. There were a lot of LGBTQ+ kids who were in need of help or support. He felt with them, and through it all he maybe even processed some of his own past.  
  
He saved most of the money he had gotten for the house for a place of his own some time in the future. For now he moved in with some people from uni. Danny’s urge to socialise came back ever so slowly. They respected his need for space but were also there in case someone needed to rant about things or just have some company during dinner.  
He missed Sara and Pavel.  
  
When he finally overcame the anxiety and texted them, his hands were shaking, but he did it. They had a heartfelt phone conversation and met up the next week. The two of them had moved into a new place, just them. They seemed happy. Danny kept in contact after that: there was just a different understanding of the past with them, but they didn’t necessarily have to talk about it.  
  
For some reason the numbers, the coding, the programs, the maths came easy to him now more than ever. He got better and better, always looking for new challenges and achievements. Of course, his peers noticed it and ‘invited’ him to one of their more or less illegal hacking competitions. Danny vehemently refused at first and kept refusing until at some point his curiosity and his fairly new competitive streak got the better of him. He could at least go see what all the fuss was about. And it’s all fun and games till they took on bigger corporations and government institutions. He enjoys the challenge and is surprised how straightforward some of those sites are to access.  
  
Their actions don’t go unnoticed by MI6.  
  
Danny finishes his degree with First Class Honours and gets approached the day before the graduation ceremony. Why would he want to work for the government? Never! They only brought him heartache and despair so far. He can’t help but tell his friends at the graduation. Sara and Pavel came as his invited guest. Frances sent him a card, and Mrs Turner sent him some homemade biscuits. It’s usually only an annual Christmas card, so this is nice.  
  
Sara, Pavel and some of his fellow graduates convince him to take the job, dismantle them from the inside, they say, plus the money, think of the money, Danny.  
  
They’re not wrong, he thinks, the least he could do is go to the interview and have a look at the place.  
And of course, it’s great! All the benefits, clearly scheduled work hours, good pay, amazing equipment, promotion prospects. He thinks it over in his tiny bedroom in the shared flat. He’d have time for the youth group and writing and could go to further places for walks for once, maybe even a little holiday.  
  
Is he becoming one of these 9 to 5 office people? He used to despise these ‘zombies’. But it’s not a bad life, he thinks, at least not for now, and accepts the job.  
  
When he starts he’s just a minion somewhere in a corner, one of many. After a few months he gets moved to a different department. Now from a distance, he can actually see things being invented and even actual agents coming in to pick up equipment.  
  
Danny has never given the engineering side of things much thought, its connections to technology, inventive problem-solving in a digital age. He takes online courses in his free time and starts inventing little things at home; his crafty transferable skills literally coming in handy. A little platform to keep his tea and food warm during long hours, a more effective fan for his work laptop.  
  
His colleagues keep encouraging him to show some of his inventions to the head of the department--an ominous man everybody only knows under the name Q.  
  
When Danny gets to meet him, he finds out that his name is Boothroyd and he’s a lovely old man that gets incredibly excited about any kind of new invention. The two of them get along swimmingly. They learn from each other as they both have such a thirst for knowledge and tinkering away on things.  
  
Danny gets promoted at least once a year while really enjoying his work and forgetting more and more about dismantling the system from the inside. Which of course doesn’t stop him from speaking out about other issues and organising his colleagues in supporting good causes or fundraisers for his youth group.  
  
With the money he had saved, and his current salary, Danny is finally able to move into his own little flat. Just his. He has the means to decorate just the way he wants it. And it doesn’t feel too big or too lonely this time. It feels right. He cooks more now and bakes, he always had a sweet tooth; and surely his colleagues appreciate his skill too.  
  
When he keeps seeing a stray cat around his building more and more often, he wonders if it belongs to someone and asks around, nobody seems responsible. The cat keeps waiting for him when he gets home and follows him around, because of course Danny would spare a bit of food for a lonely wanderer.  
  
Danny gradually adopts the little guy. They go to the vet, no chip. Danny starts to fully embrace his new role as a cat owner and all the cheesy paraphernalia that come with it. The two of them understand each other, the need for space and the need for company.  
  
Sometime during university Danny had started dating again or at least he tried. It was very strange and most of the time just awkward. Surely some interest was there, but he was looking for something more serious, more stable than just a hookup.  
  
It rarely felt right. The intimacy was off or non-existent. He also couldn’t help himself to ask every date about their opinion on soulmates. None of the replies he got were satisfactory.  
  
Nowadays he prefers an evening at the pub with colleagues or a dinner party at a friend’s place, anyway. He always dodges questions about his love life and replies with a witty remark instead.  
  
There’s no time to think about a love life anyway, he’s busy and enjoys his work immensely. He even tries to suggest updates or changes every now and then, as parts of the branch were a little bit outdated. Danny isn’t alone in that sentiment, however, he is one of the only ones who dares to say something about it or would even go straight to Q with certain ideas. And surely people do take note of that.  
  
When Boothroyd finally really retires this time, Danny is being considered for promotion to Q. It comes very unexpectedly to him. During the talks about who will fill the position, members of the branch get a say as well, that’s how Danny gets most people’s endorsement. They say on top of his obvious skills, his intuitive problem solving, his interest for improvement and his emotional intelligence, make him the best candidate for the job.  
  
After some consideration and to his own surprise he gets the position. The branch gets a long-expected hierarchical overhaul. The new Q reorganises the workings of the branch ever so slightly to the needs of them all and gives R and her second in command more, well-deserved responsibility. The smooth running of everything is much more of a team effort than just the workings of one head of department.  
  
Danny- well Q now, even changes or better upgrades his wardrobe, jeans seemed a bit too casual for a head of department to him at least. He still wants to be cosy and comfortable, plus now he can actually afford nice wools to keep him warm, but he still can’t resist an interesting pattern or strange colour. The long days looking at a screen make him have to get prescription glasses just so his eyes are not so strained. He’s definitely not 20 anymore. Nevertheless he doesn’t want to lose some playful parts of himself just yet.  
  
10 years ago he wouldn’t even in the wildest dreams have thought about becoming the head of any department and even less so at MI6. What a strange turn of events.  
  
But he is happy… or happy enough.


	2. Had you guessed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Alex Turner became an agent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Christine for beta reading   
> Huge thanks to  NonnieMouse and NothingToSay  
> for their help especially with this chapter  
> and thank you to Arya for her writing <3

Alex’s memory of being shipped off to the USA was a haze. He was certain he was going to die. But he wasn’t dead. He was able to breathe. Air. Space. All his limbs were aching; he wasn’t able to walk. There are blurry memories of an ambulance; later a plane. Danny. There was movement and talking around him. He remembered being attached to an oxygen tank at some point and that he was suddenly dressed.  
  
When he finally woke up and his vision wasn’t blurry anymore, he took in his surroundings, plain stripped back room; bed, desk, chair, wardrobe, a window. He tried to move, his muscles felt still sore. How long had it been? Danny? There was green outside, trees, maybe even a glimpse of a river? Where was he?  
  
He got moved to an office for what he first assumed would be an interrogation, which turned out to be therapy.  
  
They worked on what happened to him, what brought him here a few times, having a clearer memory might help process it all better. But he was never able to recall more than that; it never came back.  
  
He insisted on having his name officially changed to Alex. He did not know who Alistair was really.  
  
It took a few days, until someone finally told him where he actually was. Langley, Virginia. CIA.  
  
He never got a choice, but at least he was alive.  
  
Was that really better? He never had many acquaintances and was used to being alone, however, the experience and pain of loneliness was fairly new to him. Danny?  
  
His usual insomnia got worse; now there were nightmares too. They wouldn’t let him go outside for the first few weeks. He felt like he was slowly going insane. His therapist urged the people in charge to change their methods. The next day when they escorted him to therapy and one of the guards accidentally touched him, he lost it. He snapped and yelled and shook from everything he had bottled up for so long. He hyperventilated and could not breathe. Again.  
  
Finally, supervised walks got approved: apparently he was a flight risk. They even let him run, so he ran and ran to the point of almost collapsing so he could finally sleep. At least for a couple of hours a night .  
  
His therapist tried to support and kept pushing the fact that routine would be a big help for everyone in the end. Why would they bring him here if they didn’t want him to work for them, officially or not.  
  
After he got approved as ‘stable’ enough, he got eased into the tech department. In the beginning the CIA really just wanted to see what he was actually capable of. Alex tried to fly under the radar and not produce any work that was too out of the ordinary. He kept to himself and didn’t engage with his colleagues unless absolutely necessary.  
  
During the first year with the new routine he felt more like himself again. He became more attentive and would observe his surroundings, listen to conversations around him and notice body language; he’d learned that from Danny. Based on the information he gathered and other bits and pieces he realised about himself, he made a plan and then steered some of the therapy sessions in that direction, to the point where it sounded more like the idea came from them rather than Alex himself.  
  
They trained him to become an agent. He was physically fit and healthy, highly intelligent, and the psych test... well, they were working on that.  
After all that had happened to him, Alex felt the need to be able to defend himself, to become stronger, more adaptable and independent. It seemed like a win-win situation. Surely, it was to nobody’s surprise he was exceeding in almost all of the training classes.  
He was focused and disciplined, studied theories and strategy, surveillance, accents and behaviour. It was only conversation that was incredibly challenging for him. You had to be able to talk to potential assets, or turn on the charm or maybe even flirt with someone.  
That didn’t work at all as he was trying to be as emotionless as possible for some time. Which was neither healthy, nor helping _anyone_. What from the outside looked like a calm and focused demeanour was a hurricane inside of him; it would boil and scratch and yell and tear. He wasn’t aware that people may have noticed.

Alex also didn’t really know his peers and it felt uncomfortable having to roleplay with them in class. He just assumed they didn’t like him either; they seemed like such a clique. He was transported back to his university days where he had been a constant outsider as well.  
But you know how young people can surprise you? A group of his fellow recruits approached him one day after class and invited him to go to the nearby bar with them. His first response was to decline, but they were persistent and just took him along. Although he still wasn’t fully free to go wherever he wanted, nobody stopped him going.

He hadn’t had a drink in… he didn’t even remember. Danny? He just tried to blend in the background and listen to the others. However, they would have none of that and what Alex initially thought of as an interrogation was genuine interest. Apparently, his accent was cute? They wanted to know where he was from, how he ended up here, what drink he liked, if he was ok with sharing dinner, what he did in his free time, just whatever came to mind.  
He mostly gave brief replies which just answered the questions and left out the gritty details. That kept going for the next couple of times they went to the bar.  
“Are you always like this?” That took him by surprise, “Like what?”  
“Detached? Unapproachable? Standoff-ish? Cold?”  
Alex just wanted to get up and leave. He stared at the guy, while a million thoughts rushed through his brain. He could reinvent himself. This was the moment to explain, to be honest. Most of the group had seemed very accepting and understanding of different backgrounds, personalities, sexualities from what he had heard so far. There was no need to back down. Alex took a deep breath.  
“I have difficulties in expressing my emotions, which does not mean I don’t feel anything. It’s mainly learned behaviour and I am still in the process of unlearning.”  
It had gone quiet, now the guy took a second or two then just nodded and went back to his earlier conversation. Most of them muttered some words of endorsement and it never came up again. Some even started to word their questions differently. It felt nice to be included, to get to know such a range of people. Which helped to improve the lessons he was previously struggling with. 

Finding the line where Alex started and the pretend and lies began became much easier. The lies and the pretence were never the problem. He had lied to Danny when they had first met.

With time he felt comfortable enough to get taken along to events and groups without knowing all the details beforehand. That’s how he ended up with the internal LGBTQ+ group. At that point Alex only knew that he was definitely not straight or at least not just straight. It was a friendly and educational environment; he learned about terms and words he hadn’t heard of before.  
There was no need to hide anymore. He had more than enough hiding in his work.  
But to make any pretence work, he had to be sure of who he was as a person. That was something he had struggled with and admired in others for so long. Alex wanted to be someone he could be proud of; and still after all this time, someone Danny would have been proud of too. 

During the training years in Langley, there were some dates and a lot of trial and error. Alex just didn’t see the point in being with someone who did not feel right? On the other hand, talking to people about very personal things made him more certain about what labels he might like to use. Asexual? Bi-romantic? Aromantic? Demisexual? Danny? All came to mind. Of course, he had learned that you don’t _have_ to label yourself. 

Eventually, they got sent on smaller missions not too far away, South America, the Caribbean; not knowing which ones were real and which were tests. Group missions and solo tasks to prepare them for the real world. Somewhere in between all that they graduated, suddenly becoming full-fledged agents. It felt surreal. Most got posted in different countries, vowed to stay in touch, excited for future jobs together.  
  
Alex had to stay in Langley. He would still officially live there and work in the tech department if needed. Virginia was a nice enough place after all, there was a river and a couple of parks and nature reserves to go on walks, when he had a day off.  
  
Due to his expertise in coding he did a lot of team missions, or got sent to support agents in need of such proficiency. Alex’s wide range of perfected skills didn’t go unnoticed and soon he worked with very experienced agents on trickier and longer assignments. That’s how he got to meet Felix Leiter in Nassau.  
They didn’t hit it off right away, each suspicious of the other. Was this really a two-person job? Monitoring Russian oligarchs and following their money should be straight forward enough. But still it dragged on, and they were smart.  
  
So, Alex and Felix had to rethink their approach and strategy. Felix was impressed by Alex’s competence, as he initially just took him for a ‘techie’, who -barely got through recruit training. In turn, Alex learned about the importance of being friendly with the people in your environment, especially on long missions. They were both assets to each other and successfully completed the assignment without any more setbacks.  
  
A few weeks later, when Alex was called to his boss’ office, he immediately thought he was in trouble, that something had gone wrong. Except, when he arrived, Felix was there and they had a proposition for him.  
  
Apparently, Alex was the best candidate to become a 00-agent for MI6, as sadly 009 had a tragic accident. They seemed to have eyes on him for a while.  
  
Did he have a choice?  
  
The next month he was on a plane to London. Was this the right decision? He could have stayed.   
  
How much had changed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third and last chapter will follow tomorrow :)


	3. Otherwise, how do you know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will they meet again after 10 years?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Christine for beta reading   
> Huge thanks to  NonnieMouse and NothingToSay  
> for their help especially with this chapter  
> and thank you to Arya for letting me borrow some of your words <3

Alex didn’t really get any time to get acquainted with London again. His new boss at MI6 wanted to see him straight away. They had gotten him a flat fairly close, so he had time to drop off the little things he owned and hop in the shower before getting ready to meet the ominous Mr Bond at Six.  
  
Alex took a moment to sit down, to breathe. Being back in London felt strange enough. Having others organise everything for you felt uncomfortably familiar. How did he come so far only to be back where he started? Was this move really the right decision? Did he really get a say in it?  
  
He made a mental note to mention it in the next therapy session.  
  
He decided to walk the short way down to Six and not take the car they had offered. He needed air and wanted to familiarise himself a little with the city again.  
  
The river was still the same. He tried to ignore the doubts and focus on what lay ahead.  
  
This was a new chapter in his life. Again. He didn’t look too far down the river, and made his way to the entrance, where his escort was already waiting.  
  
“Welcome, Turner, to our humble headquarters. Bond. James Bond.” Charm practically oozed out of him; he just couldn’t help it. Alex had heard enough stories about the man from Felix that he was mostly immune to the charm. Apparently, Bond had volunteered to show him around.  
  
“M is still busy, some last-minute political thing. He’ll join us as soon as he can. I’m the better tour guide anyway.” Bond flashed a smile and checked his watch. “More than enough time to get your paperwork done with Moneypenny and make it in time to Q-Branch.”  
  
The paperwork turned out to just be a couple of signatures for the time being, so they were on their way sooner than expected.  
  
“Would you mind if we took the stairs?” Alex dared to interrupt Bond while he was telling the story of how Moneypenny shot him a few years back.  
  
“Er… sure.” Bond turned to the staircase. “Everything alright?”  
  
“Not the biggest fan of confined spaces. If it’s easy to avoid I’d rather not.”  
Alex didn’t want to go into more detail and it was easily accepted by the other agent. Everybody had some kind of weak spot. Bond effortlessly continued with his story while every now and then pointing out different departments on different floors.  
  
Q-Branch itself was a sight to behold, at least for Alex. He still felt very much at home amongst the whirring of computers and people coding away behind screens. Bond mentioned some of the gadgets he got over the years and the lack of an exploding pen.  
  
R then cut in to greet them cheerily just to resume back to the usual banter her and Bond would engage in.  
Alex looked over to the biggest workstation in the room and could see glimpses of a person bustling about and delegating tasks to others. However, his attention was demanded by Bond again, and Alex was completely unaware of the metaphorical earthquake that was about to happen.

Q was busy behind screens, typing, bustling about. He saw “new 009 – introduction” on his work calendar earlier, but then didn’t look into that too much yet.  
He would rather judge from a meeting face to face than from a file. Plus he was busy and almost forgot about it. Until he caught a glimpse of 007 sauntering into Q-branch with a man by his side. Q triple checked the screens: 002 was doing fine, no experiments or testing going on at the moment. He just wanted to make sure nothing would just explode in the new agent’s face. Q had a reputation to uphold after all. The poor guy was already under Bond’s wing; he didn’t want to shock him any more on his first day. He heard R greeting them loudly and making a joke about Bond’s age.  
  
“Well, he was initially supposed to be the new 007, but I would have none of that.” Q heard Bond say, he didn’t make out a third new voice yet. Well, agents came in all shapes and forms, and he definitely wasn’t one to judge, especially not with his own winded path to his position.  
  
Q finally stepped out from his desk and screens that had been blocking his view.  
He nodded at Bond in acknowledgement.  
In the background he saw M running in with Moneypenny on his heel. “Damn it! We’re too late.”  
Q very rarely heard M swear. What was going on?  
Then Q finally looked at the new agent.  
Their eyes met.  
  
Then the whole world stopped.  
  
Did his heart stop? Was he breathing?  
  
It felt like hours.  
  
He heard muffled voices and saw blurred figures. None of it was important.  
  
Bond was caught like a deer in the headlights, frantically looking from one to the other to figure out what was going on.  
M tried to explain.  
  
Moneypenny couldn’t believe she wasn’t informed.  
  
R got more and more worried about Q, who was not responding.  
  
It didn’t matter.  
  
Alex.  
  
Could it really be true?  
  
Danny.  
  
He was right all along.  
  
Alex.  
  
Why here?  
  
Danny.

  


Q made the first move. He felt like he was suffocating; he had to get out of here. He ignored everyone around him. He had to get to the next exit.  
Alex didn’t think twice and followed at a little distance.  
Danny- Q? lead them through underground corridors and highly secured doors. Suddenly, they were outside by the river.  
They both took a deep breath.  
What could he say?  
This was the last thing he had expected.  
They kept looking at each other but tried to avoid each other at the same time.  
Danny’s hands were shaking; he put them in his pockets and started walking. Alex followed right beside him.  
Neither said a word, they both realised where they were heading.  
  
They sat on the steps of Lambeth Bridge in silence.  
The bustle of London streets, cars rushing over the bridge next to them, the river making its own quiet noises, seagulls screeching in the distance.  
  
They hadn’t said a word to each other since they left the building. But both were automatically drawn to Lambeth Bridge where they had first met so many years ago.  
  
“Shit. Shit.” Danny started going through his pockets.. “I really want a smoke now. Haven’t had that urge in years.” He ran his hands over his face and through his hair. Breathe.  
  
When he looked back up, Alex was holding out a simple elegant cigarette case.  
  
“ _You_ smoke?” Disbelief.  
  
And the recurring thought of not really knowing the person next to him anymore. The eye contact was ever so brief.  
  
There was a hint of a smile around Alex’s lips. “I don’t, but it comes in handy sometimes and it’s more than it seems. Only the ones on the left are real cigarettes.”  
  
Danny just nodded, took one, lit it and took a long drag. It had been a while.  
  
“I guess that’s the kind of thing you are in charge of making now.” Alex indicated the cigarette case.  
  
“Mh-mh.” Usually it used to be Danny who always found something to say. Now it was almost reversed and Alex was the one who couldn’t stop the small talk.  
  
“I did not expect to see you there. That’s an incredible position you got. I’ve heard and seen some of your inventions. Your reputation precedes you. Bond spoke very highly of you…”  
  
“You were _dead_!”  
  
Danny stubbed out the cigarette and took a deep breath without looking up. “You were dead! For the last ten years I thought you were dead. That they had killed you because of the program. I’ve-… I-… It was me who found the body. The staged attic. I didn’t believe it. I ended up in the newspapers. Nobody believed me. Scottie is dead too, you know. And I’ve met your mother- well, both of them actually. I still get Christmas cards. Can you believe that?!” He laughed and calmed down a little again. “Your death led me to this career or, like, to where I am now. It was you…” He tried to wipe away a tear and only now noticed that his hands were trembling.  
  
Alex wanted to reach out but held back not wanting to cross any boundaries. They didn’t know each other anymore.  
  
“I-... I cannot express how sorry I am for putting you and so many people at risk with what I had done. That had never been the intention. I should have destroyed it all instead of leaving it to you to figure out. Back then I didn’t think I had any other options. I know I’m a hypocrite, making a program to disclose lies and then lying to you when we met. Of course, you saw through it right away, but still.”  
  
They were both silent again. Processing each other’s words.  
  
It wasn’t an awkward uncomfortable silence; it never had been between them.  
  
“Should we go back? Although nobody has come after us yet, so I’m not sure.” Alex’s voice brought him back away from his trance.  
  
Danny had looked over at some point, taking in the other man’s profile. He was still as gorgeous as he’d always been, still had something statuesque about him. Just slightly more worn, scarred from life. How could he not have feelings for someone who had meant so much to him. Who still did.

The walkway gets busier as it gets later in the day. They are clearly in the way while sitting on the steps. They both scoot over to one side, their shoulders touch. Not wanting to ask for another cigarette, Danny starts fidgeting with the lighter and his leg starts twitching in a nervous manner.  
  
“Are you – “ Danny takes a breath trying to think what he actually wants to say. “Do you still – ?“ He can’t find the right words so he gestures with his hands, before he thinks better of himself and stops. He looks down to his shoes, the usual quartermaster-ly confidence gone.  
  
Alex looks up and studies the man next to him for a moment.  
  
This person had informed so much of his decisions without even knowing. Just by being himself, unapologetic, intuitive, intelligent, kind and patient. Of course there was still something.  
  
“I do still- “ His voice breaks. Still what? Still think of you? Still love you? He is so lost in thought that he doesn’t notice Danny is looking at him now. He sees him.  
Alex reaches out and rests his hand on Danny’s knee to stop the nervous tick. He stops immediately and stares at the hand there.  
  
“Still?” Danny asks.  
  
Danny feels the warmth of Alex’s hand on his knee. He smiles and almost tears up a little bit. Physical contact hadn’t always been easy and now Alex was the one initiating it.  
  
Alex _sees_ him too, he always had.  
  
“Still… But what does that mean for us?”  
  
Danny reaches out to take Alex’s hand that is still resting on his knee. “I don’t know”  
  
Alex breathes in deeply before he speaks: “Do you want to find out?”  
  
Instinctively they both turn their hands so their palms face each other. It is a strange feeling, but at the same time all so familiar, and for the two of them it is incredibly intimate.  
  
“Otherwise, how do you know?”

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 ("Had you guessed?") will hopefully follow tomorrow


End file.
